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Why not have some babies?

What if Gandhi had preached for peaceful resistance to British Imperialism while smashing a tank into an army barracks? What if Martin Luther had purchased exorbitant indulgences from the Catholic Church before nailing his 95 theses on chapel doors throughout Wittenberg?

Surely, the legitimacy of their message would have been called into question.

And yet, as prominent “conservative intellectuals” such as Douglas Murray and Ann Coulter write books specifically pertaining to issues arising from childlessness in the West neither have children.

There’s nothing wrong with not having kids. And perhaps some people have medical reasons that they do not. But if they are capable of having kids, then why not give it a shot, and share your values with them. If Murray doesn’t think that folks from “Afghanistan and Eritrea” are going to get the job done, maybe he should have some? That’s what surrogates are for! Ann Coulter’s ancestors have lived in the United States since its founding, but now she’s saying “Adios America” and isn’t even leaving a kid around to watch the mess she expects to unfold.

This line of thinking can leave a person feeling very cynical. Murray, Coulter, Lauren Southern, Faith Goldy, and many others have at one point talked about the demographic “challenges” facing the West; but, apparently, this line of reasoning has not compelled any of them to procreate, or to adopt any native-born children. They’re too busy! They’re working too hard! It’s for the normal people, not the beautiful people!

But here’s the thing—you’ve got to practice what you preach for me to take you seriously. How is deporting millions of people easier than having one erotic night of passion? The answer is it isn’t. Unless you’re really, really bad at sex.

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Three reasons we need the Rhinoceros Party

The Rhinoceros Party was unconstitutionally banned by the Canadian government several decades ago. Here are seven reasons why we need to bring them back:

1) Their platform is the one they are standing on, and its conservative. Given that the Rhinoceros Party runs on the platform they stand on, and given that the majority of artisans are conservative (editor’s note: Carrie, we have no evidence of this) the Rhinoceros Party will virtually always run on a Conservative’s Platform.

2) They will revitalize the Canadian bowling economy, and fix equalization payment. If the Rhinoceros Party is elected, they will turn Montreal’s Ste Catherine Street into the world’s longest bowling alley. Not only will this be a major source of revenue from tourism; Quebec will finally have a means of revenue to ensure that they will no longer have to receive equalization payments from other provinces.

3) They will radically reform the Senate. A long source of institutional power for the Liberal Party, the Upper House will be auctioned off at a Californian antique auction when the Rhinoceros party comes into power.

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GIFS are problematic

Advice columns are a great way to steer your life in the right direction. Asking a complete stranger how to make comport yourself in your own life is definitely the way to go. That’s why I was thrilled to discover Dear Ebun, an advice column by an Irish social justice activist and academic.

For instance, have you ever wanted to express your feelings in GIF form, but somehow wanted a second opinion on that? This woke Irish advice columnist shows us the way forward. A needy reader writes: “Dear Ebun, I spend a lot of time on the Internet and love a good gif-react. I noticed how often the gifs offered involved people of colour, etc … I suppose my question is how can I GIF-respond responsibly.”

Her earnest answer is worthy of satire. She suggests that “we might just start a campaign on ‘giffing responsibly.’” After all, gifs can cause hurt feelings and if you’re feelings are hurt, then you are the victim of a hate crime. She continues: “So every time you GIF using people from specific races and culture, you are triggering your implicit bias. While we might want to attribute this to individual ignorance, research shows that difference is problematised, ascribed negative attributes and treated harshly.”

So now you know. If you ever felt too afraid that if you shared a GIF, your woke friends would brand you a racist, well, you were right to be afraid. It’s 2018. Safe GIFS only, people!