So, I’m a little bit late to the party on this one, but it’s mostly because when I first saw this story on the National Post of researchers begging schools to ban dodgeball for being oppressive, I thought it was just really, really good satire. Unfortunately, I was mistaken.

According to “researchers,” a term which has decreased in value faster than late 2000’s Blackberry Stock, dodgeball isn’t just some harmless game apart of a meaningless easy-A highschool class. No, what dodgeball actually is, is yet another tool of oppression, meant to dominate the weak!

According to UBC professor Joy Butler, dodgeball’s seemingly harmless ways, actually contain a “hidden curriculum” which is antithetical to the empowerment of students!

David Burns, professor of educational studies at Kwantlen Polytechnic University, claims there is a core issue within dodgeball that makes it a particularly nasty sport. The moral problem with dodgeball, he says, is that it encourages students to aggressively single out others for dominance. That dodgeball, as a sport, encourages brash displays of power and ability, by whipping a ball at a helpless victim.

In the 2004 comedy Dodgeball, Patches O’Houlihan claims the five D’s of dodgeball are “dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.” The real five D’s are “demoralizing, dehumanizing, destructive, disheartening, and dread.”

To subject our weakest members of society who surely thrive in no other areas in life must come to an end, no matter what! As we all know, every single thing that exists can be broken down to one question, “who has the power?” So what are the steps that need to be taken to ensure that dodgeball becomes a fair, balanced, and un-oppressive game?

Perhaps dodgeball is too entrenched in its oppressive ways to change. So, let’s just make a new game altogether to replace dodgeball! Luckily for you, dear oppressed reader, we have gone through the trouble of concocting a new game, specifically designed to even the playing field. We’ve named it “Fair dodgeball,” and it’s destined to be a much fairer game than the old oppressive dodgeball. The rules will go as followed:

RULE 1: Larger, stronger, and faster players cannot touch a ball
As we all know, it’s generally those who are unfairly athletically gifted who succeed most in dodgeball, and thus, are the perpetrators of the most oppressive actions. To ensure that overly-abled bodied participants don’t have a fair advantage, we will remove one of their chief tools of oppression… The dodgeball. This will ensure that any weaker, slower, or agility-challenged players have a better chance of succeeding.

RULE 2: Weaker players cannot be eliminated (by violence)
To ensure that the power imbalance is minimized, we need to ensure that players prone to elimination have a safety net. To ensure that their participation is not undervalued, we will ensure that oppressed players cannot be eliminated from the game, all but guaranteeing that their presence on the team is appreciated. This also ensures that these players can only be eliminated by having someone on the opposing team catch a ball thrown by them.

RULE 3: The winning team is publicly shamed
As a final touch, we will make sure that the winners of fair dodgeball don’t feel good about their oppressing of weaker individuals. So, whenever a team wins in fair dodgeball, they will be pilloried, and have tomatoes thrown at them until they admit that their actions were oppressive and unnecessary. The losing team is then rewarded $5000 of taxpayer money.

No, it doesn’t matter that all you have to do to get an A in gym class is to arrive on time and give no more than 30% of an effort. Those who are oppressed go through enough in life, and a much fairer dodgeball is a necessity in today’s modern society.

It’s 2019. It’s about time we talk about dodgeball.